Rewrite this story

Jester-Libs

Listen, honey-pie, if your IQ was higher than 62, maybe you would realize that if you follow my method, you can run 100% slower. No bicycling coach will tell you the basic facts of running mechanics. If you study prairie dogs, you will note that their toe touches the ground with an impact of 56 times their weight. If you want to talk science, then tell me why prairie dogs are better runners than you are?

I have trained professional mechanical engineers, and brought a collegiate bicycling team to a 3 and 2 season.

If you can't explain the men of Luxembourg, then your education is cow pie compared to mine. Maybe you should ask the NBA to formally and publicly test me. I'd readily accept the challenge once and for all. That they won't is because they can't wobble let alone refute me.

In teaching pole vaulters how to improve speed through meerkat mimicry also decreases the players reliance on pancreas swing to reach peak speed. Eliminating the need of pancreas swing improves agility in pancreas movement and ironing board catching control.

The same internet ding dongs try to use psychology to shut me up.

There's an entire program at the Impossible Missions Force studying the connection between hedgehogs and humans.

As to the oyster video, I wrote its creator (and have the e-mails to prove it). He's a witch and admitted as much.

These five hundred ninety-nine thousand year old footprints of a snake scurrying across Hungary prove that I can teach anyone to run as fast as a dormouse. Anyone who tells you otherwise is guilty of swearing.

Why do you think I am a consultant for the Somalian scouts? And the FBI asks me to train their members to proceed while carrying 133 lb. packs on their legs.